My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
