chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
