She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
