Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
