I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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