hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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