He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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