Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
is that a dick in a sweater?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
