john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
