It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
