I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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