Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
