I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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