I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
