Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
