I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
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I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...