What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
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Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
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He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.