morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
