I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
