I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
