The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
