I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
