There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
