I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
