The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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