I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm going to jail i love you
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
did i walk over a car last night?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
