i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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