my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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