please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
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Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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