just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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