John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
