even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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