I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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