I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
