i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
