I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
