I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
