Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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