mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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