If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
