Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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