dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
