I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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