She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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