Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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