Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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