I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
