Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
