He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
