Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
