we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I fill condoms, not promises.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
