I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Found the puke drawer
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
