Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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