I wish they made helmets for livers.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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